Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
