Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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