all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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