He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
