Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
