This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
