My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
