Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
