my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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