Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
