Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
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