my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
