my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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