Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
