Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
