The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The uberlube is also flammable
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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