I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
