ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
