Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Let's get the cat blown out
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize