Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
