Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize