Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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