She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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