How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
