Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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