He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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