I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My liver just broke up with me...
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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