i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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