The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize