I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
