Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
