he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
