the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
