I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
