Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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