babies were throwing up all over the place
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
