If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
