my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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