Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
