toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
