break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
