Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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