I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
