Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
