I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
