My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
