"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
