Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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