if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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