Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
