I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
