Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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