i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
