I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
