We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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