I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
